how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
