Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
