On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
someone owes me an orgasm
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
