tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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