Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
