If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
