I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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