i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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