Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
