WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just want nice things and good sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
