I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
