Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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