I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
