Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
