shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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