I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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