I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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