why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
