Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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