I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
