It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
