I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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