my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize