The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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