Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
