You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
