So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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