He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
