I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Enjoy the penises
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
