he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
