yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
