so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
