you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
