i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
