Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
