I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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