i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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