There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
