Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
