I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
