I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Found your dick twin last night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
