Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
