theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The Olympian is in my bed
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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