Me. At least after what I've been through.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
