i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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