You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
