Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We're too hungover to prance.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
