Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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