it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
