end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
