broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
