one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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