I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
