My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
