i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
