but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
