Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
