I cockslap morals
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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