I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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