I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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