We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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