I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
