So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
