Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
