So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
