Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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