Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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