i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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