final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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