Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
