Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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