have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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