tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
